what wish can i tell my son about to leave for army

Love GoodTherapy.org,

Our son, who turned 18 last month, is virtually to graduate from high schoolhouse. He'south a great kid, an Eagle Lookout man, and a straight-A pupil (iii.96 course-point average). He's the president of his senior course and has multiple full-ride scholarship offers from elite schools across the land, including Stanford and Princeton.

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Then why, pray tell, would he possibly want to join the armed forces? This is the dilemma our family unit faces. Bernie Sanders isn't president. College isn't cheap. A quality higher education is unaffordable for many families, including ours. By the fourth dimension our son would complete his service, it seems doubtful at best that opportunities similar this will notwithstanding be waiting for him, and nosotros won't be in position to help him much. We feel like he is leaving not only costless money (and a lot of information technology) on the table, simply likewise his futurity, and for what?

His mother and I both run across the nobility in wanting to serve our country and we admire him for it, only this decision puts not just his financial future at risk but also, potentially, his life. It'due south an unstable globe nosotros live in, and non too many people who enlist these days manage to avoid deployment. Nosotros've tried to talk some sense into our son, but he says he's made up his mind. Piece of cake to say for someone who has never had to pay for anything in his life.

Please assist us. How tin can we convince our son that going to college is a much better option than going to war? —Dumbfounded Dad

Love Dumbfounded,

Thank you for writing. I can't help but retrieve the respond to your question lies in the emotional undertone of the question itself.

As I'm sure you already know, the teen years are often a roller-coaster for teens and parents alike. It'south a phase marked by intense contradiction, equally a burgeoning young adult seeks individuation and freedom while under the care and protection of the very people they are trying to separate from. It's piece of cake to get lost in the minutiae of curfews, driving privileges, allowances, homework, drugs, sexual practice, and so on.

Though I find it a worthy question to ask, what is actually at the center of this? Usually it's anxiety or fear. On the parents' side, at that place is the fear the child volition be somehow unsafe, now or later, and is throwing abroad a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Parents fear that the kid who struggles in school may not be well enough prepared for college afterward; the child who experiments with pot may be "setting themselves up for failure" down the road; and the son who says no to full-ride scholarships at elite schools has somehow gone off-track. What the heck is he thinking? That does it, I'm putting my foot down!

The teen, meanwhile, worries about the same thing, just from a different angle. Can I survive and flourish—socially, financially—once I've left the nest? If I'm too reliant on mom or dad now, what happens later when I'm working or at college? I can't rely on them forever. I know they want me to take these scholarships, get an teaching, only I desire a different kind of teaching. What's wrong with that? To hell with 'em! I'chiliad on my own!

Anxiety, in other words, rules the solar day, every bit each side feels disrespected or abandoned or shut out by the other.

Your letter is full of understandable parental anxiety focused more often than not, it seems to me, on the future. He is "potentially" risking his life or perchance throwing away opportunities that may or may not exist "waiting for him" later on. One could say these scholarships are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. You could also say any kid with the smarts to go into these schools with a 3.96 GPA, and with a willingness to take the road less traveled, volition probable continue to find opportunities. I know enough of struggling adults who went to Ivy League schools, and successful people who went to customs college, then specialized in grad school or elsewhere later on.

You lot accept, again understandably for a parent, developed a vision for the best path frontwards for your son. What father wouldn't desire his son to go to Princeton or Stanford? I empathize with your confusion and frustration. I imagine y'all're tearing your hair out.

But this is the not bad challenge of this mind-warping transition phase. As a parent myself, I foresee a time when my daughter will announce to u.s. she has decided to become a physician or lawyer (or better yet, a psychologist!)—which means, of class, that when she'due south 18 she'll announce to us she'due south skipping college to bring together a punk ring or travel to Antarctica to salve seals. We want our kids to be safe; they want united states to back off so they can test limits, have a bite out of the world, and trip the light fantastic near the edge. This is itself the fragile, anxious dance between teens and parents at this complicated phase.

Every bit I often practise in this cavalcade, I'll throw out my ii cents regarding some practical suggestions, followed by a more psychological bending.

First, talk to your son—equally neutrally equally possible—about what you're seeing as the risks involved. The idea here is to model balanced decision making. Make certain he knows your "agenda" is merely to talk through the conclusion with him. Does he know what a rare opportunity these scholarships actually are, how few kids get into these schools, for a free ride, no less? That these schools provide start-charge per unit opportunities for networking and lifelong connection for simply well-nigh any field of involvement? That he could e'er enlist later on getting his undergrad degree, or effort college first and so determine? You lot could also talk about what assistance you tin can and perhaps tin can't provide both now and later.

Which branch of the military is he about interested in? What most information technology, specifically, draws him? What are they offering in terms of higher education down the road? What almost any interest in specialty preparation? Also, to your points virtually his safety, is he interested in being deployed on dangerous assignments or tours of duty? If the respond is yes, would he be interested in doing some more research, such as talking to veterans who have served where he's interested in going?

I don't know your son, and then he may or may not be taking some of his cues from yous. If he is, try as best you can to exist an case of curiosity over judgment, and most of all empathy for what he hopes to gain from the military.

I don't know your son, so he may or may not exist taking some of his cues from you. If he is, endeavour as all-time y'all tin to be an example of curiosity over judgment, and most of all empathy for what he hopes to proceeds from the armed services.

Empathy is the key, saith the psychotherapist. Past this, I mean I would endeavor to get every bit curious equally you can almost what draws him. Does he like the idea of discipline, training, and society? Is information technology weaponry and combat he's interested in? Is it the thought of the safety of a "strong" institution to which he will belong, a new kind of family?

Listen for the hopes and yearnings more than the literal aspects. So you might—every bit calmly as you can—explain why this is difficult for y'all (and possibly your wife). Y'all have your own hopes and wishes for him as a caring dad.

Try to avoid a trap a lot of u.s.a. fall into, which is playing the "this isn't normal" card. Instance: "It'southward non normal for a kid as smart as yous to enlist and blow off Stanford; it's just non rational." The implication in that location is he'due south weird, an oddball, or worse. It will probably brand him dig his heels in fifty-fifty deeper. Make your statements personal, not most "what kids your age normally do" or in the vein of "what's actually best for a guy similar yous, though clearly you don't see information technology, is …" Information technology's possible he does see information technology and wants to do something else. Better to say, "Well, here's what I foresee for yous, and why, and I guess I simply don't get information technology, then aid me get information technology." Or, "Equally your dad, it makes me uneasy to recollect of y'all in harm's style. Nosotros remember that's rare or never happens, but information technology does. I'm not saying don't exercise information technology, only I am maxim be clear almost the risks." You could also enquire the gutsy question of, is his seeking out enlistment a style of compensating for something he felt he never got at abode or school? You might also be listening for how he thinks this experiencing will point him toward whatever definition of manhood he has developed.

But again, be respectful, as this is his dream, his determination. You tin can disagree with it, but I would award the fact the son you dearest finds it of import.

Parenting can be extremely difficult, and it's a never-ending duty. But sometimes kids somehow have to do the one thing they know drives us batty. It can be a test to see if they will yet exist loved by us in spite of their decisions, or that they are capable of making their ain decisions completely free from parental influence. If there is whatsoever element of rebellion in his decision, try to be understanding rather than expressionless-prepare confronting it, every bit that puts you in opposition and back in the tug-of-war.

I wish you the best of luck, and encourage you to mail service whatever follow-ups to let us know what happens.

Thanks again for writing!

All-time wishes,
Darren

Darren Haber

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug habit as well as co-occurring issues such equally anxiety, depression, relationship concerns, secondary addictions (especially sexual practice addiction), and trauma (both unmarried-incident and repetitive). He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in eye move desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic preparation in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/neglect and concrete and sexual abuse.

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Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/how-do-i-stop-my-son-from-picking-military-over-college

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